We talk about accomplishments, ticking off a list of milestones to show we are up to par, that we are competent, or even excel. Rarely does anyone talk about the resilience that is born from our struggles, our suffering, and our trauma. It’s Domestic Violence Awareness month and I want to share my story, which aptly includes voter intimidation, to uplift the message of hope and strength in numbers. I have been hiding for 15 years from my ex-husband and I’m ready to take back the power he has held over me.
Survivors of domestic violence will often tell you that it started subtly, that the abuse was verbal or emotional or financial, but not violent. Abusers ingratiate themselves with you by love bombing and building trust to establish a stronghold so that you are more willing to overlook and excuse the abuse. As skilled manipulators, they gaslight and make you question yourself. Sometimes there are elements of mental health disorders that go unchecked.
When he threatened to kill me, it clicked that I needed to leave. Not everyone has the means to escape. When you do, it’s not necessarily the end of the story. For me, a three year relationship has been haunting me for fifteen years. There are limitations to the amount of personal protections you can take– the single greatest obstacle for me has been the age of the internet.
Many assume if you have no online presence, you have something to hide. But what if you are hiding from someone? What if your life literally depends on anonymity? The facts about domestic violence and the age of the internet are that nowhere is safe. Your phone number, street address and email can always be found somewhere-- leaked or sold data from utility and landlord companies, medical and insurance providers, online retailers, government services, all exacerbated now with Artificial Intelligence. Your stalker just simply gets a new burner phone or new email address to harass you and relive the trauma all over again.
The digital age is not friendly to survivors of domestic violence, in my experience. To file and serve a restraining order or other litigation, you have to list both filing parties' home addresses, giving your stalker a direct link to your location. Instead of filing a restraining order, I moved out of state, got a P.O. box that can be listed like an actual unit number for all snail mail, and the driver's license folks put a P.O. Box on my I.D. Then I was challenged when I went to exercise my right to vote in-person because a P.O. box isn't a home address– even though my voter registration card and I.D. were issued by a government entity and the poll worker was only a volunteer. Let’s be clear that voters' rights are under attack RIGHT NOW, and domestic violence and lack of state protections contribute to the institutionalized disenfranchisement of vulnerable women voters.
I once found my name associated with a sales platform that I administered for a third party. I was not even a client in the platform and showed up in google search. A few years later, I had a property management company require enrollment in a mandatory residence package consisting of multiple vendors who all identify me by the physical address of my residence. I had another property management company freely give out my home address to a stranger who called, claiming to act in good faith. I felt totally defeated that so many businesses and their staff could carelessly jeopardize all of the calculated efforts I had made over a decade to protect myself.
And let's talk about having no social media presence, asking all of my friends and family never to mention or tag me, avoiding any public profiles or accounts so he doesn’t know where I live. I do not even leave reviews anywhere despite knowing that great reviews are crucial for attracting more customers. I have stunted my own career growth by withholding any accomplishments, resume updates, publications or networking via sites like LinkedIn, all for safety's sake. I cannot do anything that is a matter of public record because it is searchable, such as purchasing property, starting an LLC, or even filing for a marriage certificate– and having to have that talk with my partner.
The irony of trying to protect myself is that I have felt just as alone as when I was in an abusive relationship. I could not lead a normal life because I could not trust that every single interaction would respect and maintain my privacy. I have lived in fear and suffered for too long though, and talking about it has been crucial in my ability to heal, to grow, and to ultimately thrive. I have advocated for myself and others– sought self-help through therapy, held former employers accountable through the Office of Human Rights and Federal courts, and navigated local civil litigation to protect myself and my business ventures. But this is the first time I’m confident in publicly speaking out against my abuser and taking back my power as a way to help raise awareness. In a time when Roe vs. Wade has been overturned and my bodily autonomy is being further scrutinized, I want to be an example to my niece of how to navigate a world that is not set up for her.
I want to give a big thank you to the following organizations that have helped me and fellow survivors through some of the most challenging and scary times:
DC Office of Human Rights: https://ohr.dc.gov/
National Women’s Law Center: https://nwlc.org/ Baltimore Office of Equity and Human Rights: https://civilrights.baltimorecity.gov/ Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence: https://www.mnadv.org/ Women Rising: https://www.womenrising.org/ Womanspace: https://womanspace.org/ NJ Services: https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/nj NJ Legal Support and information: https://www.womenslaw.org/ Chicago's Center on Halsted: https://www.centeronhalsted.org/
As a survivor, it’s been hard to reconcile that I am safe now. But I realize that the one personal protection I did not take was opening myself up to a community, to stop hiding. I have learned from others that I can file an LLC in Delaware anonymously, I can mail-in my ballot, I can install cameras, share my story with neighbors, take self-defense classes and carry a personal alarm. I have power in my voice. In working with Nikki M.G. The Power Expert over the past year and a half to build her consulting firm, I have started to see the true value in community, and that the power we hold as individuals only becomes stronger when we come together.
How can you help?
You may not have the words to tell your own story yet, or someone you know may not be ready but you see them and can identify. During my travels in more recent years, I have encountered a shocking number of men who are subjected to domestic violence but it doesn’t register as anything besides “witchiness”. There are also silent victims that tug at my heartstrings– pets. Shout out to Praline’s Backyard Foundation, who has inspired my future endeavors of fostering pets while their parent survivor escapes and rebuilds.
Check your local and online communities, county and state resources for domestic violence support groups and advocates near you. I know now that there are allies in all walks of life, even if you just need someone to be by your side as you self-advocate in court to face your abuser. Our human rights hang in the balance, so make a plan to vote and share it with others! Power Up, Power People!
-Amber E. The Power Expert
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