Overcoming PTSD: A Reflection for BIPoC Women Executives.

Dealing with the unconstitutional disappearances and deportations has made my hypervigilance creep back up these past 100 days of Trump Terror - but I am not letting that stop me from living powerfully and joyfully!

#FreeKilmarAbregoGarcia

Trigger Warning: In this piece, I share parts of my story that could make some readers very uncomfortable. I touch on the impact that sexual trauma and abuse has had on my life, as well as my experience as a Black woman navigating white supremacy culture in the nonprofit and labor sectors of the movement for social justice. I also curse! But I assure you that I end on a positive and powerful note, offering examples of practices that have led to my abundant transformation. If you are a woman from the margins and this resonates with you, please read on until the end...

For those who don't know, I was diagnosed years ago with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). It's something that can develop after ongoing trauma and brings with it anxiety, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, and avoidance of anything too sketchy. A common side effect of CPTSD is hypervigilance – that constant need to scan for threats and safety options - you know, just in case any shit happens!

Mine stems from childhood experiences with abuse, isolation, and poverty, compounded by repeated sexual assaults in my twenties while I was struggling with unstable housing, low wages, food insecurity, and healthcare access in the restaurant industry.

Back when I was more active in the public eye with ROC-DC and then DC Jobs with Justice, anxiety attacks would completely knock me out, sometimes for days. I'd be stuck in bed with migraines, breathing problems, and feeling like I couldn’t see clearly anymore. It especially suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked being triggered in the political scene of DC as a Black woman and public figure who felt like she was constantly under scrutiny....AND I WAS, BELIEVE ME. I felt like I could never make a mistake or misstep in what I call the DC Shark Tank.

That One Night in Jail Changed Everything

I remember one time having a full-blown anxiety attack while sitting overnight in a Prince George’s County jail. This was after leading in a big protest against Walmart's racist, sexist, and unsafe working conditions.  A white woman – let’s call her Karen – who was the political director for a major Latinx worker center, was also there. She’d been arrested with me and two incredible worker leaders from the local OUR Walmart campaign. We weren't even supposed to be arrested and jailed... the demonstration had been coordinated with the police in advance! But the Prince George’s County pigs had other plans and feelings that came up that day.

I can't recall exactly when or what triggered the anxiety attack as I sat on that disgusting concrete jail floor.

Maybe it was the way the Black guard overseers threw hair-filled bologna sandwiches on the ground at us when we asked for food.

Or maybe it was the humiliation of having to drink from a fountain attached to the same toilet we all used in front of a dozen other women in that exact same filthy cell.

It could have also been the somatic connection I felt with all the Black, Brown, and poor people unjustly locked up in similar awful cells across the country, knowing they wouldn't be getting out the next day like I would…knowing that most folks didn't have a network of organizations working around the clock to get them released like I did.

But here's the kicker: the week after this action, which I thought was my powerful debut as the first Black Executive Director of DC Jobs with Justice, the organizers informed me that SEIU 32BJ would be cutting their annual $5,000 dues to the coalition – a significant hit to our budget. I was shocked and confused because we had generated a lot of positive media attention and really highlighted the need for fair wages and decent workplaces in an ongoing campaign.

Their reason? Karen had told the white male political director of SEIU 32BJ that I had cried while in jail and therefore wasn't a strong leader worthy of investment. So, 32BJ decided to "wait and see" about my leadership before continuing their support.

Did the local organizers who shared this information defend me or the coalition, or offer to help mend the situation? Did Karen ever ask me anything about my life or why I cried? Has she ever recognized her harmful behavior or tried to make amends to this day?

 Sadly, no.

The Harsh Truth About “Progressive” Spaces

That's when I, as a Black woman, learned a harsh truth: people who seem to share your values on race, women's rights, workers' rights, immigrant rights, and democracy don't always act according to those values. And that’s putting it as politely as I can. Ask me in person what I really know and feel....

But because of this, and many other aggressions I experienced and witnessed, I knew I had to be extra vigilant about protecting myself and also about looking out for other Black people and people of color navigating the often white-supremacist culture disguised as professionalism that permeates so much of the nonprofit, philanthropic, and labor sectors.

So, it's like - not only did I have to DO THE WORK of my organization and campaigns, but I also had to become a full-time public actor and behind the scenes, become my own Luther-the-Obama-translator to heal and process the constant fuckshit. It was too much. And I wasn't paid nearly enough for what I built and the LEGENDARY public policy results my team achieved in Washington, DC.

After Years of Healing, I’m Free!

But after twelve years of somatic practices, five years of therapy, and three and a half years of being my own boss, I'm incredibly proud to say that I have a strong handle on my CPTSD and rarely experience hypervigilance anymore - even in the darkest hours of the Sith Empire at work. My therapist is SO PROUD of me too!

And I definitely don't put up with bullshit quietly from "Karens" or anyone displaying similar harmful behavior - not in my work life or my personal life. I am brave, vulnerable and willing to have hard conversations as needed with folks, and I don't have any attachment to the outcome. I don't care if people like me or not because I've made them uncomfortable or ruffled their feathers. In this world of "professionalism" and "respectability" politics, the more rufflin', the better. And I am soooooooooo much happier and peaceful because of it! In fact, I’m the happiest and the freest I’ve ever been in my life.

Most of the time, I feel safe enough that I don't constantly have to scan for threats or escape routes! I still have anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and nightmares occasionally, but they don't debilitate me for hours or days like they used to and honestly, I can’t remember the last time I even had an attack. I know how to use my breath and my surroundings to quickly calm myself when the signs arise though.

I have daily, weekly, and monthly practices and habits that keep me grounded, breathing easy, and seeing clearly. If any of my story resonates with you and you're curious about what I do to manage (and what I wish I had made more time for back in my early Executive Days), here's my recipe for resilience:

Daily Practices:

• Being vulnerable by asking for help and delegating tasks at work and home

• Walking outside and exploring magical nooks and crannies of my environment

• Meditating, centering myself, and repeating specific mantras

• Eating a plant forward diet and taking a full hour for lunch (yes, everyday!)

• Reading about things that interest me

• Affirming myself, practicing love and compassion towards myself and others

• Listening to, rapping along with, and dancing to Black music

• Going to bed early or sleeping in late without feeling guilty! BOOM!

Weekly and Monthly Practices:

• Biking and swimming whenever possible

• Intentionally spending quality time with friends and family

• NOT spending time with others, and blocking out time JUST FOR ME

• Listening to ASMR, going to the movies, or watching my favorite stories #Sinners #Severance #StarWars

• Writing and journaling about my feelings and experiences

• Visioning the future and creating art with others (follow my GLAMBO journey!)

• Taking short trips and vacations near water – pool, river, bay, beach, you name it!

• Unapologetically saying NO to things I'm not feeling "HELL YES" about

• Saying YES to more spontaneous, fun, and pleasure-filled invitations!

Now I Help Other Black and Brown Women Do the Same

It took time and consistent effort to develop the practices and habits that allow me to navigate the world powerfully, even when triggered. Now, having effectively learned to manage challenges, events like the unconstitutional capture and detention of Kilmar Abrego Garcia and others under the Trump administration, while deeply infuriating, scary and triggering, no longer hold me back from living my best, happiest, most powerful life. Those who know me are aware of my immediate and vocal actions – through emails, calls, and social media – demanding my governor and representatives ensure the safe and immediate return of our fellow Marylander - which is what Kilmar wants us to do on his behalf, right? Not cower in the corner feeling afraid and angry, and letting our PTSD get the best of us. But being faithful and intentional about winning back his freedom - about winning all of our freedom!

Last week, I proudly joined millions worldwide in the May Day march, advocating for the removal of ICE and MAGA militia from our schools and communities. I was clear-minded, composed, and energized to participate in this display of collective strength.  And I connected with a ton of people there - some new and some familiar - reinforcing my belief that we shall overcome.

It is important to understand that I am a coach, not a therapist. While I am always glad to share resources if therapy is wanted and needed, my expertise lies in providing coaching and unwavering support to Black and BIPOC women in executive and director-level roles who are engaged in demanding, frustrating, often unrecognized yet desperately needed movement-based work.

Know Someone Who Could Use a Coach Like Me?

So, if you know of a Black or Brown identifying woman director looking for a coach and organizational development strategist, introduce her to me please.

It's my duty and honor to empower more women from the margins on their journeys to becoming their most powerful, impactful versions of themselves.

📧 I can easily be reached at nikkimg@nikkimg.com 📲 Or by messaging me on IG or LinkedIn @nikkimgthepowerexpert

Until next time - Power Up!

Nikki M.G. The Power Expert

#ExecutiveCoach #Coaching #BIPOC #Blackwomen #Trauma #PTSD #racism #howdoIdealwithracism #howcanifindablackwomanlifecoach

#lifecoach #businesscoach #nonprofitcoach #leadershipdevelopment